You may be archaic if . . .

… while in school, you were taught to read and write in Sanskrit.

… you once had a poster of Gilgamesh on your bedroom wall.

… you first learned about the Ten Commandments when they were breaking news.

… you were one of Methuselah's babysitters and one of his pallbearers.

… you surfed the Great Flood.                                        

… as a teenager, you were unable to get your driver’s license because the wheel had not yet been invented.

… all of that graffiti that you painted as a kid is now the main attraction of the UNESCO world heritage site known as Grotte Chauvet-Pont d'Arc.

… your mother used to serve your family mammoth burgers.

… upon reaching adulthood, you had only two career choices: Hunting or Gathering.

… your father insisted that fire was just a passing fad.

For Preachers: Signs That It Is Time That You Left The Pulpit

1. On Pastor Appreciation Day, the congregation gives you a trip to the Orient, but it’s for one way only.

2. The church staff forgets to include your salary in next year’s church budget.

3. The last time you preached a funeral, people mistook you for the deceased.

4. The congregation is given No Doze tablets instead of communion wafers.

5. The church bulletins have crossword puzzles where sermon notes are supposed to go.

6. The local ministers association notifies you that your lifetime membership has expired.

7. Doctors prescribe recordings of your sermons as a cure for insomnia.

8. Your children tell their friends that you work for the Mafia because they are too embarrassed to say what you really do.

9. Your wife attends another church because nobody there knows who her husband is.

10. Rodney Dangerfield gets more respect than you do.

Signs That You Are A Coffee Addict

Your favorite DVD contains every Folgers commercial ever made.

Your blood type has changed from O Positive to Dark Roast.

You buy coffee by the semi load.

You have your coffee maker insured by Lloyd’s of London.

You have Juan Valdez on speed dial.

Your favorite food is Arabica beans.

You once tried to add cream and sugar to Java software.

You actually enjoy getting a coffee enema.

You named your children Espresso, Cappuccino and Latte.

When asked how you take your coffee, you reply, “Intravenously.”

You may be interesting if . . .

… you have your own press pool, and you are neither a politician nor a political candidate.
 
… your birthday is a national holiday in nations that you have never been in.
 
… Time magazine named you “Person of the Year” for the year of your birth.
 
… heads of State seek an audience with you.
 
… monarchs bow before you.
 
… the Pope has kissed your ring.
 
… you were awarded a Nobel prize just for being born.
 
… a documentary about your life won an Academy Award three years in a row.
 
… you have been named one of the Seven Wonders of the World.
 
… the man in the Dos Equis commercials is dull in comparison to you.